Since it’s almost back to school for all the kiddies, we got started on our “How We Spent Our Summer Vacation” essays:
The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):
1. St. Louis Cardinals (77-43; Previous: 1) – We built a hammock, called it the NL Central, and pointed out the clouds that looked like Bernie Brewer.
3. Pittsburgh Pirates (71-47; Previous: 3) – In the early evenings we ate s’mores and tried to find the North Star. And just beyond the North Star, the Cardinals.
4. Toronto Blue Jays (66-55; Previous: 11) – We remodeled the place. It was a pain but so worth it.
5. Chicago Cubs (67-51; Previous: 8) – We toured the country in Joe Maddon’s RV and sang rounds of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” which was oddly charming.
6. New York Yankees (67-52; Previous: 6) – We debated between the Hamptons or the Jersey Shore, time slipped away, and we wound up drinking Natty Lights around a kiddie pool in Randy Levine’s backyard. Wasn’t so bad.
7. Los Angeles Dodgers (67-53; Previous: 5) – Most nights, we closed our eyes and listened to Vin Scully.
8. Houston Astros (66-55; Previous: 4) – We went to the ballpark and fell in love with baseball again.
9. San Francisco Giants (65-55; Previous: 7) – We kept putting off the summer reading and ended up buying the Cliffs Notes to all the advance scouting reports.
10. New York Mets (64-56; Previous: 10) – We collected superhero comic books: Batman, Thor and Uribe, mostly.
11. Los Angeles Angels (63-57; Previous: 9) – We went fishing. Got a big Trout.
12. Baltimore Orioles (62-57; Previous: 13) – We had an awesome time at the amusement park, mostly riding the Crush Davis Colossus Dragon Coaster.
13. Texas Rangers (61-58; Previous: 14) – Our favorite time at camp was arts and crafts, where we took string and beads and made them into a pitching staff.
14. Washington Nationals (60-59; Previous: 12) – Slept mostly. Mom forgot to sign us up for summer camp. Again.
15. Tampa Bay Rays (59-61; Previous: 16) – Our favorite part of summer camp was the Archer-y.
16. Arizona Diamondbacks (58-61; Previous: 17) – We mostly stayed inside. Was stinkin’ hot out there.
18. San Diego Padres (59-62; Previous: 18) – You know what “pearling” is? It’s when you’re surfing and you catch – or think you catch – a wave, and it’s all great and wondrous, and then the nose of the board dips into the water, and the back of the board flies up, and you skitter into the water and the wave – that beautiful wave that was about to take you for a glorious ride – thrashes you about under water for a very long time. Yeah, we did a lot of that.
19. Detroit Tigers (58-61; Previous: 19) – Sipped whisky out the bottle, didn’t think about tomorrow, sang “Sweet Home Alabama” all summer long.
21. Chicago White Sox (55-63; Previous: 20) – We hung around Ventura mostly.
22. Cleveland Indians (55-64; Previous: 21) – We cheered up John Farrell. Was a great summer.
23. Atlanta Braves (53-67; Previous: 24) – We went on a camping trip, which was kind of miserable since there was no power.
24. Boston Red Sox (54-66; Previous: 26) – Well, we were supposed to go on this swell vacation on the Cape, but dad had to work and mom couldn’t handle us all by herself and so we just sat in the bathroom looking at Instagram.
25. Oakland Athletics (53-69; Previous: 25) – We sat around a campfire telling scary stories. Like the one about Josh Donaldson being traded.
26. Cincinnati Reds (51-67; Previous: 23) – We held this big party where everyone came and it lasted three days and then it was all blank after that.
27. Milwaukee Brewers (52-70; Previous: 28) – Ryan Braun become our all-time home run leader. So that was awkward.
28. Miami Marlins (49-71; Previous: 30) – We had to go to summer school to make up Corporate Tax Law 101.
29. Colorado Rockies (48-70; Previous: 27) – It wasn’t ski season, but we did go downhill all summer.
30. Philadelphia Phillies (47-73; Previous: 29) – We were a little behind, so had to get caught up on the spring cleaning.