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Bathroom Blog 4/23/14

Down With the Ship


The draft of this article was typed into my cell phone at a porcelain throne located at a Walmart in Crosby

Monday was one of the worse days of my life. I woke up exhausted with a terrible hangover from staying up so late only to have my heart broken by the Rockets in game one. I was covered in sweat from the nightmares of Aldridge nailing 20 foot jumpers in my face. I even think on my drive to work he posted up on my car on I-45 and drilled a 15 foot bank shot in my face just to rub it in. The Rockets team I thought were going to make a deep run in the western conference was embarrassed in a thrilling overtime defeat, and my sanity and kidneys suffered.


I need one second to vent. The following might need to be censored.


**** Aldridge and **** **** his stupid hat. Also **** that **** I hope he ******* **** biscuit.

The game was ridiculous. During the last four minutes of the fourth quarter I don’t even know why Portland was dribbling the ball down the court. They could have just inbounded it in to Aldridge and let him take full court jumpers. He was in that kind of zone. Then when he didn’t get the ball, Lillard was running around the court like a possessed chicken with its head cutoff nailing threes and making our interior defense look lifeless. When crunch time came around, they were the greatest team I have ever seen…. Ok a little bit of hometown homerism, but seriously, did they miss when it counted?

At the end of overtime, Houston was in the exact situation we wanted to be in. Even though Harden was 8 for 630 or something, he had the ball in his hands with 17 seconds left. Harden time. I knew Parsons would get the ball in his hand, and with his crazy Euro dance move he with glide between the defenders and nail a layup, draw contact, and deflate the Blazers’ heroic effort while time expired.

San Antonio Spurs v Houston Rockets

He took a contested three after about .2 seconds.

I grabbed the nearest object around me, my 2 year old nephew, and chunked it at my TV (in fairness, why the heck was he up so late?). I was done with this sorry team. Screw McHale, Screw the beard, bye bye dreamy Parsons…. And Dwight with his stupid missed free-throws (although in overtime he became Ray Allen at the line. Where was this! If he freaking hit one in the 4th during hack a Dwight we would have sealed the win).

IT’S TIME TO ABANDON SHIP HOUSTON. It’s Enron all over again. Right when you think we have struck gold, cruel cruel reality hits us. It’s over man!

But is it really?

Take a deep breath Houston. Look at what happened. Our stars played pitiful. And Portland’s stars had two of the best games of their lives…. Yet they only won by TWO FREAKING POINTS. Our team did everything in their power to lose, plus the refs screwed us on a crucial overtime foul call. STEP AWAY FROM THE BRIDGE HOUSTON!!!!

As much as a wish we could have pulled out the win, as I calmed down around 9 p.m. Monday, it hit me. We are the better team. On what might be our worst game of the playoffs, we still barely lost. There’s a long series ahead of us, it could go seven games. As long as Harden shows up sober to the games, and McFail can get his head out of his butt, we will come out on top.


This series is going to be a nail biter, but Houston will pull it out. I expect Aldridge to continue to get his. All season he has had great games against us, but he will not have another game like he did Monday. And if it took that effort to beat us by an itty bitty two points, we will be the victor this series!



My after one game Prediction: Houston in 6

Enjoy the exciting series bathroom bloggers. Time for me to flush and sign off.


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